it was both unsettling and awe-some to cook a full meal after nightfall by myself in a solo campsite in the middle of grizzly country

you have to dump your dish water in the pit toilet a ways down the trail, no food smelling water can be left on the ground or poured on the fire

there are signs everywhere that say “be bear aware”

“bears visit these campgrounds frequently”

after cooking a meal, i sat outside by my little fire and took in the sounds of night all around me

happy

settled.

alert.

i could hear high pitched trilling animal sounds i didn’t even recognize.

i am so grateful i am wandering around and can live in my car and slowly travel through wild places.

– – –

i woke with a start many times in the night

once i was sure a bear was trying to get in the bear box inches from my car right at my feet and i sat up to shine a light outside my rear window to hopefully scare away the bear…

of course the light just reflected back in the glass so i couldn’t see anything… i sat there terrified for a moment to listen, heart full on pounding in my chest, super shallow breath… and i realized it was gently starting to rain…

my body was on such high alert i was waking up with every sound just as i had the night before in sinks canyon national forest outside of lander, wyoming…

reminds me now of when i first solo stealth camped in an unknown city a little over a year ago. my nervous system was terrified and i had to actively ground and settle myself because my fear body was so loud. i got myself a weighted blanket just so i could rest. eventually i stealth camped everywhere, all over the midwest, even in downtown areas right in front of city hall. no. fucks. given.

i don’t have that weighted blanket with me now, and i may not sleep very well for the next week or so as i learn to sleep solo in grizzly territory with a car full of food and my 10 oz can of bear spray.

it’s interesting to watch my fear body.

i am meeting my fear with friendly regard.

one of the magic things about being a healer, having a daily midnfulness/meditation practice and working as a somatic therapist is that as i continue to confront and befriend my own fears, i am skilling up for the work i do in the world.

i am so fucking human. i get to tend to others from that becoming place of being human too, with some skills on board.

this is fun. this is shakey-making.

nervous system training, round 500.

here we go!