waves of grief, joy, sadness, solidity, gratitude, despair, celebration…
i traveled solo to moonstone beach to give myself space to fully feel the pain of separation and say goodbye to my friend matthew. as i lit a candle and burned some sage, the winds picked up and a gentle rain began to fall. i sang my mantra to matthew, to the wind, to this magical beach where over the years together he and my son built hundreds of driftwood forts, created spontaneous bonfire gatherings, challenged the surf and snorkeled the little river seeking aquatic treasures. as the elements began to exert their force, i crouched low and protectively cupped both hands around that small flame. i sang as my own tears mingled with the salty sand and the rain above; i gave all of my attention to keeping matthew’s candle lit…
i felt the pain, irony, futility and truth of my inability to keep this brilliantly small flame alive against forces far greater than me. i half released my grip and continued to sing. i felt all of my love and and all the joys shared in the past. i acknowledged that i will never again take him to this beach or see him and bodhi make magic with driftwood and fire. we will no longer build memories into the future. inevitably, the flame was overcome and i watched the wick release into smoke. his time here is gone. his journey in this body lasted just 15 years. it hurts that he is gone. i love that i got so much time with him. ❤️
goodbye matthew. i love you forever.