i was taking a yoga class this morning and the teacher read a quote by Byron Katie — something to the effect of “you have all that you need in this moment and all that you have is all that you need. how do you know you don’t need it? you don’t have it.”

my mind instantly went to people in disaster areas who don’t have potable water and are dying of preventable water born illness, people who are starving to death, children in abusive and drug addicted homes who’s basic survival needs are not being met…. the dudes i work with in jail whoes teeth get pulled for minor dental issues rather than get basic dental care because that’s how it goes in the criminal injustice system…

we aren’t all born with the same hand, opportunities, comforts and privileges and we don’t all actually have all that we need. not having these things is not proof that we don’t need them. my yoga practice is just as much about finding my own sense of inner peace as it is about building the capacity to directly confront injustice, inequality, abuse and oppression AND choose to act. it’s about building my capacity to be with the pain, horror, anger and discomfort and still show up.
this thought stream totally took me for a ride twice as this quote was read at the start of the class and again at the beginning of savasana (final resting pose.) i appreciate the work of byron katie and her ideas about not arguing with reality. i enjoy the yoga teacher who was leading the class. at the same time i think it’s easy for white, privileged folk with inequitable opportunity from birth, in industrialized nations to dispense this ideology without recognizing this spiritual principle bypasses social injustice, oppression, inequity… ALL THAT and there i am laying in a class, well-fed, clothed, with the resources and time to afford me the opportunity to go to a yoga class in the first place and my mind is strung out on horrifying images of malnourished starving children, inmates in solitary confinement, hurricane maria victims, men gunned down for driving while black. fuck.

i could have totally heard that and thought of my inner strength, resilience, capacity for love, willingness to grow, integrity in the face of adversity or even how wild and free i can be or how well i can sometimes play… i have all that i need within me to allow me to enjoy this moment of breath. it’s actually true. no matter the circumstances, there is a place within me that can always experience freedom. i know that place well. my body is the best anchor to help me to return there. this morning, that’s totally NOT where i went.

noticing that right now, i have a choice to shift my attention to my breath. as i pause, i am noticing the birdsong just outside my window. the trill is long, sweet and effortless. a little further i hear a responding trill intermingled with the sounds of traffic. traffic, industrialization, breath, birdsong. they all exist in the same moment. as i sit here typing this out, blessed with a lap-top, access to the internet and a warm home to sit and type from, some mom somewhere is wondering how she will feed her children tonight, someone is growing increasingly anxious about when they’ll get their next heroine fix. all of that is here in this moment. my heart is expansive. i have love in my life. it’s likely that someone reading these words has a personal connection to me and cares deeply about my well-being. i have the freedom i find in my own body, in my own breath. all is well. shit is not well. there is work to be done.

sometimes i watch as my anger and sense of injustice override my awareness of the present moment. sometime that very sense of anger and injustice takes over without me even noticing. it comes out sideways or i get intolerant with those closest to me. it’s not like i’m complacent and soley work to find “peace within.” i give much of my actual time, energy and attention to righting these injustices in the ways that i can every single day. it’s not necessary for me to be rooted in instability, anxiousness, pain or righteous anger in order to contribute to life. in fact, it is those very states that could make me less effective, out of balance and unconsciously creating harm rather than support healing, connection and community.

there was something for me in this around loving myself up and being compassionate for the self that falls out of equanimity or gets lost in a trauma-focused lens. we all have moments of anxiety, anger, contracted pain. we are human and as such we are capable of moments of revelrous rapture and acts of unthinkable atrocity. we are not our behaviors, circumstances or stories. we do have agency and choice. in yoga philosophy, chit is the sanskrit word to describe a state of consciousness often referred to as “true awareness” or “pure thought.” we are here to work out our chit. (see what i did there?) chit is the foundation for the concept of sat-chit-ananda, which means means “truth, consciousness, and bliss.” sometimes in my focus on truth, consciousness and passion for justice and healing, i lose sight of the bliss. i don’t want bliss to the exclusion of all things AND i do want to remember the bliss. i am still a work in progress.

— update —

I gotta throw in this quote from a bad-ass warrior and Lumos Transforms founder and president Nkem Ndefo. This is #6 in post about 7 Ways Tony Robbins is wrong about #metoo. So. Fucking. Salient. (I respect her so much I am choosing to use “proper” capitalization!
“6) @tonyrobbins Your gospel that individuals are responsible for everything in their lives is blind to the systemic violence that many people endure. Our freedom is contingent on changing the system not just ourselves #metoo”