I am somewhat disgusted that it took this article for so many in my beloved Interchange community to be willing to believe that the cult of personality we regaled in Steve Bearman (head of Interchange Counseling Training Institute) was also capable of manipulating, assaulting, and raping women. Most of us are shocked and horrified by the sheer gravity of this revelation. In the absence of this detailed accounting, so many found it easier to initially shame, minimize the harm to the women stepping forward, make allowances for Steve, or worse — temper their dismay with a sizable portion of spiritual bypass, reverie, edification and homage for all that they gained through relationship with and study under Steve. Largely absent from the initial community response was expressed care or focus on the harm of the women victimized by the very man so vehemently adored, defended and celebrated.

It is so refreshing to finally see a larger community response that is not making excuses for, praising, minimizing the action of or defending Steve Bearman’s behavior while blaming, shaming and doubting the women harmed or philosophizing about the “spiritual gifts” of Steve’s atrocious actions. The first wave of community response to Steve’s mea culpa was one of support for Steve to the tune of “this is what a real man / real apology / taking accountability looks like.” Granted, Steve masterfully curated the response by centering himself, appealing to people’s love, compassion and desire to hold him and their Interchange experience in positive regard. By creating the guise of transparency, vulnerability and atonement (without actually accounting for his actions), Steve manipulated the landscape so that womens’ voices were silence and HE was what was considered. As a community, we were so ready to be manipulated. As a student and leadership team member of Interchange Counseling Training Institute from 2014-2017, I voluntarily gave much of my energy, devotion, labor and time to this man and to this program. I deeply empathize with the desire to not want to believe such atrocities were woven into something that we all invested our hearts, time, psychic, and financial resources into.

We can do better. All of us. Over the years, in so many ways I looked away, not wanting to hear about Steve’s sex life (because when it wafted in my direction I detected a bit of something I might find putrid and didn’t want the smell to taint my view of a man I lauded as an incredible counselor.) I dismissed my wisdom in deference to his. I interrogated all the internal alarms that sounded warning to a trespass of my personal, professional, therapeutic, and ethical boundaries. I so readily believed the ringing sirens were my own limited thinking, historic distress recordings, faulty social conditioning or unconscious bias. I was invested in learning from this man I looked up to and was protective of a program I found life-changing. I can understand the impulse to point fingers, look the other way or not interrogate how each of us was a part of empowering this very fallible human and allowing this harm to continue to happen. We let this happen.

Part of my historic investment in seeing myself as “the problem” and Steve as somewhat intractable was a mixture of hope and desperation that maybe this time, this training, this work, this Man could finally help me see and fix the “something wrong” parts I believed were not ok about me. I passionately aligned with the Interchange Counseling Training tagline, “Change yourself. Change the world.” I willfully traded my power, intuition and self-trust in exchange for the promise that if I trusted, followed, continued to absorb the wisdom, philosophy and teachings of this counselor, leader and educator, I would finally arrive at the “better” version of me. I would finally be “enough.” The strength of my desire for personal transformation, growth and healing was matched by my inability to truly see the festering boundaries, manipulation, predation, and blatant disregard lurking in the spaces between the “high-touch,” sex-positive, radical, “beyond consensus reality,” transformational, one-of-a-kind counseling community centered around a profoundly charismatic, gifted man of persuasion with unchecked power and a penchant for sexual predation and assault.

As healers, givers, people dedicated to our own growth and equally passionate about supporting the growth and healing of others we were duped. We were duped and we allowed it. As a community we bolstered his power. I get it. In spite of my indignation and disgust, I understand. As individuals we each signed up for Interchange Counseling Training Institute because we care. Deeply. We want to do better in the world. We have a burning desire to help each other and ourselves. Sadly, we severely missed the ball. I understand and I ask that we do better.

To be clear, I don’t feel responsible for Steve’s sexual assault or predatory behavior. Much of this was unknown nto me. I am responsible for ignoring my gut when I saw him act in ways I found deeply uncomfortable, questionable, unethical and un-boundaried with members of the leadership team, including myself. In allegiance to the beauty, growth, healing and gifts of this community, I did not speak up when I experienced firsthand, Steve behave in ways that were disempowering, sexually inappropriate and harmful.

The initial revelation hit prior to this post Weinstein-#metoo era. We are in different territory now. I commend the women AND men who continue to speak up and take action in spite of being largely unsupported and initially unconsciously undermined by this community. I am heartened and inspired by those among us who wandered into the wilderness to push back, scream “no fucking more!” and took decisive action. In the aftermath, I have sharpened my claws, reclaimed my agency and become unwilling to temper my sensitivity or my fierceness. Here. Now. I reclaim my strong.

The shock was great; facing this shit hurts like hell. Rooting out the ways were were willfully or unconsciously blind and/or complicit is a necessary discomfort. Thank you to those who did not tune out and instead said ”I believe you. How can I help?” Maybe we couldn’t have known or even imagined the magnitude of harm. However, had we really truly been willing to look past the personal growth, the internalized sexism, self-disenfranchisement, and the contagion of community norms, the writing was on the wall. I still love Steve, vehemently condemn his actions and hold onto his humanity. I won’t stand for this atrocity and am committed to holding Steve accountable. I ask that for the good of all, we DO NOT protect this man. I love the women and men he harmed. I love the community we became a part of. I care enough for us all to look at how we played a part. Everyone touched by this nightmare is a very real person with a complex set of joys, sorrows, trauma, magic, wisdom and lived experience. True accountability, justice and restoration requires holding on to this fact.